How to Hold Your Breath Read online

  ZINNIE HARRIS

  How to Hold Your Breath

  Contents

  Title Page

  Acknowledgements

  First performance

  Characters

  Dedication

  How to Hold Your Breath

  ONE

  TWO

  THREE

  FOUR

  FIVE

  SIX

  SEVEN

  EIGHT

  NINE

  TEN

  ELEVEN

  TWELVE

  THIRTEEN

  FOURTEEN

  FIFTEEN

  SIXTEEN

  SEVENTEEN

  EIGHTEEN

  NINETEEN

  TWENTY

  About the Author

  By the Same Author

  Copyright

  Thanks to the following:

  Nikki Amuka-Bird, Pippa Bennett-Warner,

  Adam Best, Vera Chok, Darrell D’Silva,

  Sam Troughton, Debbie Hannan, John Harris,

  Mark and Fran Shaw, Frances Poet,

  Dinah Wood, Steve King and Mel Kenyon.

  Above all thanks to Vicky Featherstone –

  collaborator, encourager, inspiration and friend.

  How to Hold Your Breath was first performed at the Royal Court Jerwood Theatre Downstairs, London, on 4 February 2015. The cast was as follows:

  Dana Maxine Peake

  Jarron Michael Shaeffer

  Jasmin Christine Bottomley

  Interviewer / Doctor / Clara Danusia Samal

  Interviewer / Marta / Telephone Operator Siobhán McSweeney

  Interviewer / Train Inspector / Punter Neil D’Souza

  Librarian Peter Forbes

  Ensemble Joshua Campbell, Raghad Chaar, Soledad Delahoz, Marisa Flamino, Michael Jinks, Djordje Jovanovic, Connor Mills, Mark Ota, Aaron Peters, Alison Porter, Ruth Pugh, Javier Rasero, Jessica Simet, Ben Tiramani, Temi Wilkey

  Director Vicky Featherstone

  Designer Chloe Lamford

  Lighting Designer Paule Constable

  Composer Stuart Earl

  Sound Designer Gareth Fry

  Movement Director Ann Yee

  Assistant Director Debbie Hannan

  Characters

  Dana

  a woman in her late twenties

  Jarron

  a man who works for the UN

  Jasmine

  Dana’s sister

  Librarian

  a book worm

  Train Inspector

  Woman

  telephone operator

  Punter

  a man looking for sex

  Marta

  a woman who used to be on TV

  Clara

  a woman who used to be a lawyer

  Doctor

  The Interview Panel

  three voices

  for my sister

  HOW TO HOLD YOUR BREATH

  ONE

  Dana speaks to the audience.

  Dana

  I am stand at the back. Don’t look out. Gets shouted at for looking down. I am eyes closed, head bent in every gathering. I am knees bowed, chest to the floor. I am a flower by the wall, grass in the shade. I am back turned, shoulders hunched, face hollowed. I am a scream. A howl. I am a snake on the plane, a hyena, an antelope. I am ant under a stone, beetle scurrying away. I am beaten at birth, blackened. I am sand. I am soil. I am earth. I am less than earth. I am poor. I’m so poor my skin is my clothes. I am uncovered. Ashamed. The land can’t feed me. I am the end. The dead. The carcass by the roadside. I am the abyss into which people dread to fall.

  She stops and looks at herself in the mirror.

  She takes a deep breath.

  TWO

  Europe.

  In a cosy room two lovers lie under the covers intertwined and heavy with sleep. The woman, Dana, is in her late twenties. The man, Jarron, is a little older.

  Dana sits up.

  Jarron

  don’t do that

  Dana

  I had such a strange dream

  Jarron

  it’s not even morning yet

  Dana

  but the sun’s up

  Beat.

  hey the sun’s up

  Jarron

  so the sun’s up, we can sleep a bit longer, can’t we?

  Dana

  we could

  Jarron

  then why don’t we?

  He pulls her back down.

  She laughs.

  He covers her with the sheet.

  She lets him.

  He kisses her.

  She kisses him back.

  Dana

  you’ve got a scar on your chest

  Jarron

  that was where they ripped my soul out.

  Dana

  very funny.

  They kiss again.

  He rolls on top of her.

  Dana

  actually I’m quite hungry

  Jarron

  what?

  Dana

  aren’t you?

  I mean don’t you want something to eat?

  Jarron

  not particularly

  Dana

  don’t you eat where you come from?

  Jarron

  sometimes but not in the middle of –

  Dana

  have some fruit then, some bread

  it’s breakfast time

  Jarron

  seriously?

  Dana

  seriously

  I’m starving.

  Jarron

  alright. What do you have?

  Dana

  what do you want?

  Jarron

  what have you got?

  Dana

  there’s a shop downstairs

  anything you can imagine

  Jarron

  they’re open at this time?

  Dana

  it’s not early. It’s getting late

  Jarron

  surprise me

  Dana

  croissants, coffee, juice, cake

  Jarron

  sounds delicious

  He grabs her.

  She squeals.

  They kiss for a moment.

  Jarron

  again

  They kiss some more.

  Dana

  you’re greedy

  Jarron

  of course

  Dana

  you’d think you’d never been kissed –

  Jarron

  not by you

  Dana

  you have to be quiet, I share this flat

  Jarron

  I don’t care

  Dana

  actually, seriously

  Jarron

  you’re quite hungry

  Dana

  finally he hears!

  Jarron

  you think I’ve had my time

  Dana

  shut up

  Jarron

  you’re bored and want to get rid of me

  Dana

  never

  Jarron

  that’s why you looked at the sun

  Dana

  the day has begun, that’s all

  Jarron

  I’ll pay you extra

  Dana

  what?

  Jarron

  I’ll give you a bit more

  Dana

  a bit more what?

  Jarron

  money

  you’re a business woman, I know how this works

  Dana

  you think you are paying?

  Jarron

  aren’t I?

  Dana

  what?

  Jarron

  what?


  Dana

  what?

  Jarron

  now wait a minute –

  Dana

  fucking cheek

  Jarron

  you came up to me, no introduction

  Dana

  I liked the look of you

  Jarron

  you liked the look of me?

  Dana

  is that so odd?

  you said you worked for the UN, I was curious

  Jarron

  you were wearing practically nothing, underwear

  Dana

  it was a dress

  Beat.

  it was a dress

  Jarron

  that was a dress?

  Dana

  where do you come from?

  Jarron

  I’ve seen dresses but really –

  I’m sorry. I made a mistake

  Dana

  too right you did

  Christ alive. I can’t believe you thought – Jesus

  Jarron

  girls don’t come up to me like you did.

  Dana

  I’m not a girl

  my name is Dana

  I have a degree. I have a fucking mind which I can make up.

  Dana sits up with the sheet about her knees.

  Jarron

  so? I pay for sex, I thought everyone does

  Dana

  not around here

  Jarron

  they do where I come from

  Dana

  and where the fuck is that

  hell?

  He laughs.

  Dana

  don’t laugh

  Jarron

  well stop making jokes

  Dana

  I’m serious

  sex that you pay for is toxic

  an irritant, feels nice for a second but

  Jarron

  it suits me

  Dana

  you don’t know any other way, you’ve forgotten any other way

  Jarron

  yeah, maybe I have

  Dana

  then someone should show you

  Beat.

  I would offer but you just offended me. Seriously offended

  Jarron

  I said I was sorry

  Beat.

  He is tempted for a second.

  Then he pulls away.

  you ought to wear more when you go out

  you ought to be more careful about the message you send

  Dana

  everyone wears stuff like that

  He starts to put his trousers on.

  Dana

  where are you going?

  Jarron

  I’ve got miles to drive today

  I have to get down to the Adriatic, over to North Africa

  Dana

  and that’s it?

  Jarron

  well, what else is there?

  Dana

  I made you an offer

  Jarron

  which you then retracted

  Dana

  OK, it’s there. The offer.

  I’ll make love to you because I want to.

  and you can make love to me, knowing that.

  Beat.

  Jarron

  I don’t have time

  Dana

  oh, it’s scary –?

  He looks at her.

  Jarron

  you don’t know me

  Dana

  I didn’t know you before

  Jarron

  we talked for an hour in the bar we got shitfaced we screwed each other

  Dana

  we were tender we kissed

  Jarron

  stop it

  fucking stop it

  Dana

  I can’t believe this is so hard for you

  it’s two people, two consenting adults

  don’t worry you don’t have to fall in love with me –

  Jarron

  I thought I knew what we were doing here

  I thought we both knew what was going on, I thought this was up and down, around and about, both parties agreed all OK

  Dana

  it is OK

  Jarron

  no it’s not fucking OK

  Dana

  of course it’s OK

  He reaches for his shirt.

  Dana

  you don’t need to run quite so fast

  Jarron

  this doesn’t happen to me.

  I am a really powerful person, people don’t trick me

  Dana

  I didn’t trick you

  Jarron

  this is fucked up. This is really fucked up. I organise people for a living, I write reports, I travel miles and miles, people don’t do this to me. I don’t get caught like this

  Dana

  you aren’t caught

  He does his buttons up.

  Jarron

  I don’t drink with women in bars for real. You get it.

  Dana

  what is wrong with saying I like you, I think you’re nice

  He puts his shoes on.

  Jarron

  nice? Do you want to know how not nice I am?

  what if I tell you I only came with you because I could see you had some goodness, I could see I could break your heart

  Dana

  get over yourself

  I came to you not the other way around

  Jarron

  I still ended up with my cock up your arse.

  Beat.

  I thought you would notice my semen is black, my face twisting, my nails ridged, in short it didn’t occur to me you would do anything other than hold me in contempt. I am unloveable, the unloved. Not the sort of person that gets told they are nice. Feared maybe, fucking hated, yes. I am a devil, I told you, a demon, a thunderclap, I am a really fucking powerful person.

  People cross the road to get out of my way, I am a nightmare, an underpass in the dark, an alleyway, a bridge that you don’t cross.

  Dana

  I think I’ve got it.

  Jarron

  you fucking crazy bitch.

  Dana

  I didn’t realise you were playing a game.

  you should have said

  Jarron

  that would have ruined it.

  fucking nice. You fucking load of shit.

  don’t give me nice

  He has put his clothes on.

  I’ve got to go. I’ve got a thousand miles to drive today.

  Dana

  you already said that

  He starts to go.

  He comes back.

  Jarron

  I really think I should pay you.

  I just think this will be cleaner if I give you something

  I slept here after all. I’ll give you something for the bed

  Dana

  I don’t want anything

  Jarron

  you must want something. There is always something.

  a new phone or another dress. Get yourself another dress –

  why won’t you take my money?

  Dana

  why does it bother you?

  Jarron

  alright. Alright, I get it. You’re not desperate

  you are not for sale

  you think love can’t be bought, admirable but slightly

  outdated, but still. I admire that.

  Beat.

  I don’t want this to be left messy, like either of us have any reason to even think about last night ever again.

  I have important things to think about, I don’t want to think about you

  Dana

  so don’t think about me then

  Jarron

  you’ll want money in the end.

  Dana

  I doubt it

  Jarron

  I’m a fucking demon I told you. A god. I want to play fucky fucky with your head, it’s done.

  Dana

  what does that mean?

  Jarron />
  two weeks and you’ll be begging me to pay you.

  Dana

  I don’t think so

  He picks up his jacket.

  Jarron

  bye bye Dana

  Dana

  I’m not scared of you, yes you’ve got a trumped-up ego, but you’ve got no power.

  what power have you got?

  He goes out of the door.

  we fucking used a condom.

  don’t try and scare me.

  Dana is left alone.

  fucking cretin.

  She kicks out at the sheets.

  moron.

  oh god.

  THREE

  Dana goes into a room where her sister is getting dressed.

  Dana

  I fucked a demon

  Jasmine

  you what?

  Dana

  I fucking fucked a demon.

  all night long.

  Jasmine

  all night long?

  Dana

  yes

  several times, lots of different ways. Oh shit, lots of different ways

  Her sister looks at her. Takes her in.

  Goes back to brushing her hair.

  Jasmine

  well never mind

  Dana

  I’m being serious

  he said he was from the UN

  Jasmine

  and was he?

  Dana

  I don’t know

  Jasmine

  why do you do these things?

  Dana

  he looked nice. He stood at the end of the bar by the window, I was carrying stuff past him, he moved out of the way

  Jasmine

  you fucked him because he moved out of the way?

  Dana

  not just that, obviously, but it was a kind thing to do, I was carrying all these bags and my laptop, there was only a tiny space

  Jasmine

  are you completely desperate?

  Dana

  I thought maybe we would fall in love and live in each other’s arms

  that was a joke by the way

  I thought he might buy me a drink, light me a cigarette

  Jasmine

  for goodness sake

  Dana

  he could have tripped me up

  he could have pushed me over, he could have spat in my face

  Jasmine

  he could have done. Yes.